Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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