I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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