I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
