I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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