Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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