Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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