I met the friendliest cop last night
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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