My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
