So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's blow job season.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
