she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
