my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
