I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
