Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
