when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
