I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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