don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
God, I missed his penis.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize