This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
