hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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