I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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