Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
