Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
