You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
