He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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