I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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