my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize