Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
