It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Randomize
