I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
