so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
