We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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