It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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