so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
