Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
