he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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