In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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