I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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