I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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