She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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