I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
