you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
