its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
