I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
