she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize