Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
