I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
areolas are like halos for boobs.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
