I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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