Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
