Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
