Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
accomplished twins. life is a go
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
