I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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