So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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