I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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