Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize