he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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