Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize