he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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