Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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