Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
