You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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