a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
